What Would We Do Without The Internet?

It’s been a worrisome week for the Internet. Last Sunday, Google went down for five minutes and 40% of internet traffic upped and disappeared. A day later, the same thing happened to Amazon. In the forty minutes it took their tech staff to get the website up and running again, the company had lost $40 million dollars. It seems that the future of technology isn't as rosy as we're led to believe.

Al Gore warned us against relying on machines in America's foremost educational cartoon: Futurama. He said that we could only stretch the goodwill of the Internet so far before it turned on us. Instead of listening to him, we torrented David Hasselhoff's entire discography and frivolously bought a Starship Enterprise pizza cutter. When the robots decide they've had enough and pull the plug we'll regret all the data we've wasted.

Riddle Me This And Riddle Me That: Did You Hear That Ben Affleck is Playing The Bat? (Batman)

It was announced today that Ben Affleck has been chosen to play Batman in the currently untitled sequel to Man of Steel. There has been a mixed reception to this, with the negative commentors understandably having PTSD-type flashbacks to Affleck's 2003 film, Daredevil. Nevertheless, Ben's been cast and he now stands alongside a long line of other actors who have played the Caped Crusader. While we can’t know for sure in which direction Affleck will take the role, we can look to the previous actors who have played Batman to get some hints.

The Incredible Adventures of the Amazing Dick Van Dyke

Monday began as just another day for beloved US actor and one-time Cockney chimneysweep Dick Van Dyke (DVD). Out driving to a dentist’s appointment, he parked up on the shoulder of a freeway to make a phone call. However, unbeknownst to him, his car had caught on fire. Off-duty emergency servicemen, who just happened to be passing, rushed over to the blazing car. They dragged the unsuspecting DVD out. After coming to his senses, after what must have been a very confusing situation for any man to be in, Van Dyke did what anyone in the business of show would do: he took a photo of the incident. Dick then swiftly tweeted an image of his burnt-out car with the caption “Used Jag for sale REAL CHEAP!!!”. DVD later said he was lucky to have so many off-duty servicemen around and that “someone must be looking out for <him>”.

Are All The Beautiful People Going To Go Into Hiding?

A few short months ago, three men were kicked out of  Saudi Arabia for being too beautiful. Other than one of the men becoming a bit of an Internet sensation for a while it all died down.  In general, the rest of us laughed it off as a bizarre story. However, the same thing's happened again in Iran.  A candidate for city councillor has been barred from taking up her position because she looked too much like a model.

Perhaps these news stories highlight corrupt, patriarchal systems. Aging men, drunk on their on power (some might say), are purposely making evil decisions in order to keep their ill-gotten positions and keep the populace feeling insecure. But, honestly, that all sounds too much like serious, hard-hitting journalism to me and we'll not have that kind of nonsense in here. No, the real reason is both a lot simpler and increasingly more sinister.

5 Roles Mark Wahlberg Could Play Other Than Iron Man

Recently, Mark Wahlberg had an interview with Yahoo!Movies. In it, he said that he wouldn’t mind having the role of Iron Man when Robert Downey Jr. steps down. True to form, the unbalanced people of the Internet weighed in with their learned opinion that, if this happened, the world as we know it would stop – riots would take place, hospitals would be burnt down and cannibalism would ensue.

In the pursuit of geekdom, allow me to present some other, more volatile roles that Mark Wahlberg could play:

Mark Wahlberg Wants To Play Iron Man? Really?

Recently, Mark Wahlberg claimed in an interview with YahooMovies! that he would like to take over the role of Iron Man once Robert Downey Jr. stepped down. The response to this can best be described as “strained”. Some people were adamant that Wahlberg couldn’t play Iron Man “just ‘cause”, while others went so far as to say that only Downey Jr. could ever, ever in a million billion years, play the armoured superhero. But what actually happened?

Why Macklemore Isn't All He's Cracked Up To Be

Why does anyone listen to the rapper Macklemore? It can’t be for his music, because, although his 2009 song “Thrift Shop” reached the top of the iTunes Charts, his music is terrible. It must be because he looks like Vanilla Ice – which is such a shame because The Ice Man’s Greatest Hits album is being sold for under a tenner online. For some reason, The Internet has taken Macklemore under its moneymaking wing. But, just like everything else that’s popular on the web, (e.g. picture of cats) Macklemore just isn’t all he’s cracked up to be.

The Simpsons: After 25 Years It's Time To Let It Die

Is anyone truly happy about the news that The Simpsons will be making a new season? After 24 years and over 500 episodes, The Simpsons is nothing more than a big, bloated mess. It’s the cartoon equivalent of a beached whale and, just like a beached whale, our only option is to unpack the dynamite and get to a safe distance.

In What Direction Will Peter Capaldi Take Doctor Who?

The date 4 August 2013 will be emblazoned into our collective minds.  "Where were you when Peter Capaldi was chosen to be the Doctor?" people will ask. Truly, has there been a moment in history looked forward to more by the populace? Other than, maybe, the last time a new actor was chosen for Doctor Who, that is. A TV special was even aired just to agonisingly prolong the momentous occasion. After tuning out Zoe Ball and the instant fan reactions (from incredulous, to celebratory, to downright creepy), this recent announcement does make you wonder in what direction the show will take in the future.